The Corporate Hobo

I find what I eat and I'll eat what I can find. At work.
MAY 23 Holy doilies, I’ve jumped off the train and landed in Grandma Village. Where Bob Barker still hosts TPIR and still has dark hair and still spays and neuters pets. (I believe it’s a natural born talent, not acquired knowledge). But soup for breakfast? Well, ahem, I do have a bit of a tickle in my throat. Open air will do that to a hobo. But it’s not just any soup. Homemade noodled chicken. And crackers d’ oyster misterfeller. Next I’m going to be asked to play Cribbage and listen to the police scanner. Mmm. Turn up the squelch, grandma, and deal this hobo in.

MAY 23

Holy doilies, I’ve jumped off the train and landed in Grandma Village. Where Bob Barker still hosts TPIR and still has dark hair and still spays and neuters pets. (I believe it’s a natural born talent, not acquired knowledge). But soup for breakfast? Well, ahem, I do have a bit of a tickle in my throat. Open air will do that to a hobo. But it’s not just any soup. Homemade noodled chicken. And crackers d’ oyster misterfeller. Next I’m going to be asked to play Cribbage and listen to the police scanner. Mmm. Turn up the squelch, grandma, and deal this hobo in.

3 days ago
APRIL 27 I was just having a conversation with another hobo about our eternal struggle with afflictions such as scurvy, jaundice and dirtlinacia. And what do I find this morning? Fruits. Both with their beautiful inedible outer shells. One of golden yellow and one of silvery plastic wrap. One filled with the daily allowance of potassium and one filled with the daily allowance of sprinkle-vitamins. Goodbye, dirtlinacia. Hello, breakfast.

APRIL 27

I was just having a conversation with another hobo about our eternal struggle with afflictions such as scurvy, jaundice and dirtlinacia. And what do I find this morning? Fruits. Both with their beautiful inedible outer shells. One of golden yellow and one of silvery plastic wrap. One filled with the daily allowance of potassium and one filled with the daily allowance of sprinkle-vitamins. Goodbye, dirtlinacia. Hello, breakfast.

4 weeks ago
APRIL 25 Something about this seems like a trap. First of all, hobos are rarely tempted by vegetables. Second of all, no ranchly cream curdling sauce? Fine. But I’m waiting for the giant wooden spike to come flying out of the wall and end this hobo’s journey. I would have never guessed my last meal would involve carrot sticks and celery, unless they were surrounded by the barbecued wings and legs of tiny little hawks. And no, I will not imbibe the dishwashing liquid.

APRIL 25

Something about this seems like a trap. First of all, hobos are rarely tempted by vegetables. Second of all, no ranchly cream curdling sauce? Fine. But I’m waiting for the giant wooden spike to come flying out of the wall and end this hobo’s journey. I would have never guessed my last meal would involve carrot sticks and celery, unless they were surrounded by the barbecued wings and legs of tiny little hawks. And no, I will not imbibe the dishwashing liquid.

1 month ago
APRIL 19 Now this is just sad. An entire tenement of bagged snacklings evicted from their glass housing unit. Not sure how to react. The Jalapenian Cheddarites and the Barbeculi Twistans deserve equal rights when it comes to food democracy. I’ll find a home for a few of you and consume you in due time. This hobo doesn’t discriminate. Ooh, and there are file folder organizers.

APRIL 19

Now this is just sad. An entire tenement of bagged snacklings evicted from their glass housing unit. Not sure how to react. The Jalapenian Cheddarites and the Barbeculi Twistans deserve equal rights when it comes to food democracy. I’ll find a home for a few of you and consume you in due time. This hobo doesn’t discriminate. Ooh, and there are file folder organizers.

1 month ago
APRIL 17 I’ve stumbled upon a nutrition convention. But apparently, this is during the workshop sessions. The fruit have gathered to discuss the volatility of natural sugar consumption. The bread and pastries are arguing over who should be leader of the table, since there’s an obvious split in the hierarchy of grains. And the lowly yogurt cups have decided to skip the whole thing and check out the ice jacuzzi. If only their bosses knew. This hobo will sign on to be a guest speaker today, pontificating on the hazards of business travel. 

APRIL 17

I’ve stumbled upon a nutrition convention. But apparently, this is during the workshop sessions. The fruit have gathered to discuss the volatility of natural sugar consumption. The bread and pastries are arguing over who should be leader of the table, since there’s an obvious split in the hierarchy of grains. And the lowly yogurt cups have decided to skip the whole thing and check out the ice jacuzzi. If only their bosses knew. This hobo will sign on to be a guest speaker today, pontificating on the hazards of business travel. 

1 month ago
APRIL 13 Aw, guys. You shouldn’t have. I mean, I know you didn’t, but it’s not even my birthday. Although, it is the three-and-a-half-month anniversary of the last time I saw cake. And that’s worth celebrating. From the looks of it, I conclude it was forged in the molten core deep within the belly of the god of delicacies. Greg, I believe his name is. And the sedimentary chocolate layers formed century upon century. You can see the middle layer still churning, unsettled, like a lava flow beneath the crust of whipped cream. Ah, the wonders of nature.

APRIL 13

Aw, guys. You shouldn’t have. I mean, I know you didn’t, but it’s not even my birthday. Although, it is the three-and-a-half-month anniversary of the last time I saw cake. And that’s worth celebrating. From the looks of it, I conclude it was forged in the molten core deep within the belly of the god of delicacies. Greg, I believe his name is. And the sedimentary chocolate layers formed century upon century. You can see the middle layer still churning, unsettled, like a lava flow beneath the crust of whipped cream. Ah, the wonders of nature.

1 month ago
APRIL 13 Now, this is quite the hobo conundrum. One donut. Frosted and lonely, having witnessed all of its friends move onto greater lives as if it is the older and uglier child that no parents wish to adopt. And then a plastic treasure bag of nutritious and delicious red apples. See there, donut. Your life isn’t so sad. These apples don’t even have a home. And many simply overlook their wholesomeness for the sugary love of fried cake. Not this, hobo. He loves everyone equally. In his belly.

APRIL 13

Now, this is quite the hobo conundrum. One donut. Frosted and lonely, having witnessed all of its friends move onto greater lives as if it is the older and uglier child that no parents wish to adopt. And then a plastic treasure bag of nutritious and delicious red apples. See there, donut. Your life isn’t so sad. These apples don’t even have a home. And many simply overlook their wholesomeness for the sugary love of fried cake. Not this, hobo. He loves everyone equally. In his belly.

1 month ago - 1
APRIL 2 Behold! A hundred golden suns! Each blanketed in a radiated cloud of yellowy plastic dark matter. And all of them held within a glassy nebula where the only way in or out is by the metallic portal to the Plutonian side of the universe. A hundred golden suns, trapped by some powerful entity. A hoarder god, who I’m sure also keeps empty toilet paper rolls stashed behind Orion’s Belt. And yet this hobo dares to venture into the void. There’s Pollux, Arcturus and Aldebaran. And Rigel and Antares. And—mmm, and they taste like butterscotch. 

APRIL 2

Behold! A hundred golden suns! Each blanketed in a radiated cloud of yellowy plastic dark matter. And all of them held within a glassy nebula where the only way in or out is by the metallic portal to the Plutonian side of the universe. A hundred golden suns, trapped by some powerful entity. A hoarder god, who I’m sure also keeps empty toilet paper rolls stashed behind Orion’s Belt. And yet this hobo dares to venture into the void. There’s Pollux, Arcturus and Aldebaran. And Rigel and Antares. And—mmm, and they taste like butterscotch. 

1 month ago - 1
MARCH 23 Holy moley. Pastasteries multiplying before my very eyes. As I type this, I believe the exponential increase is officially 32,000:1 and growing. Well, this hobo will do his part to cull the overpopulation of baked goods, with their sprinkles and fruit and such. And to wash it all down, a goblet of your finest jus l’orange. Mwah!  

MARCH 23

Holy moley. Pastasteries multiplying before my very eyes. As I type this, I believe the exponential increase is officially 32,000:1 and growing. Well, this hobo will do his part to cull the overpopulation of baked goods, with their sprinkles and fruit and such. And to wash it all down, a goblet of your finest jus l’orange. Mwah!  

2 months ago
MARCH 16 The somewhat luck of the not-really Irish. Baked hoops of breadly madness stained green for their crimes against edibility. I cannot complain, except for the lack of creamed cheese kept fresh in a few squat plastic vessels. And really, hobos don’t complain. They simply enjoy. Slant ya! For your health.

MARCH 16

The somewhat luck of the not-really Irish. Baked hoops of breadly madness stained green for their crimes against edibility. I cannot complain, except for the lack of creamed cheese kept fresh in a few squat plastic vessels. And really, hobos don’t complain. They simply enjoy. Slant ya! For your health.

2 months ago

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